Things That I am Afraid Of (That Apparently Normal People Are Not)

I, as a thinking being, have fears. I, as a somewhat neurotic being, have many fears. I am frequently told that many of the things that I fear are things that I don't need to fear, and also that I am weird for being afraid of them. Someday, I imagine, I will be vindicated.

Things I am "unreasonably" afraid of:

1. Birds. I am afraid of birds because they have eyes that look into your soul and learn all of your darkest secrets and fears. They also only hop when they are not flying. Hopping is an entirely unacceptable form of locomotion, which leads me to believe that they are evil hell-beasts, or that they are hiding something, most likely something terrible. I think birds know how the world will end--because they will engineer that end.

2. The Octopus. This is singular because octopus is a word with three accepted plurals, which is not a battle I am going to get into. I am also immediately suspicious of any word with more than one plural. It bodes ill. I am afraid of their tentacles, in part, but I have a far more all-encompassing fear. I am afraid of them because they are smart and can squish to be very small. They could fit under a door, and could most likely figure out how to work the lock--allowing their companions in this horrifying scenario, the velociraptor, entrance. If you say "That is totally unfeasible, they need to be underwater, your fears are weird", consider what weird things scientists are currently doing, and ask yourself, "Self, how long do you think it will be before someone figures out how to free all those horrifying sea creatures from their salty prison?" And your self will curl up in a corner of your brain and cry, because the bottom of the ocean is straight-up Lovecraft.

3. Squid. Squid are about as terrifying as the octopus, but in an entirely different way. First we have things like the Humboldt squid, which will attack you. Because it's fun. There is somewhere video from a camera that got attached to a Humboldt squid that was captured then sent back to its... squiderie. Its friends/family attacked and killed it. So, that is fun. Then, there is the giant squid, which lives at the bottom of the ocean. Point one against it. It also has some razor-bits in its tentacle suckers, so that is fun. I am also mistrustful of it because it implodes when it reaches sane pressures. It is too used to the pressure, and when it no longer has it, it burns out, much like an over-achieving high school student. Finally (as if I could ever finish the list of reasons I find squid terrifying), there is the colossal squid. People theorize that it is the Kraken. It is the size of a small island. And it does not need the pressure the giant squid does. Which is why, you know, people saw it, and subsequently went mad with fear, as any reasonable person would. It also has a far more horrifying tentacle-attachment, a hook-tooth that can rotate almost 360 degrees. I am never going swimming in the ocean.

4. Velociraptors. This is, I admit, a somewhat unreasonable fear, since there are very few velociraptors alive today (probably about three), but I still think it needs to be stated, because some people I know are under the delusion that the mighty and terrible velociraptor would obey their will and do their bidding, when in fact it would kill them mercilessly. I don't actually know what to say about this one, because if you aren't already scared of the velociraptor (or the utahraptor, or really the whole raptor family) then there is nothing I can say to convince you. You are already lost.

5. Things reaching out from under a movie theater seat and grabbing my feet. I have a fear of anything grabbing my feet, but movie theaters especially bring this out in me. I think it is partially because it is almost a combination of fears. There are people in the movie theater, and disgustingly sticky floors, and a lot of the time, people being killed or chased on the screen
(I watch some pretty awesome rom-coms). It also doesn't help that, because of the unknown horror that is the movie theater floor, anything could be growing there, and therefore what grabs me might not even be human.

Sorry this is kind of short. I started making this list and started into real, boring to read about fears, so I cut myself off. So, there you have it. Five of the four million things I fear. Please don't show up at my house holding a bird and a squid.