I am the Best Person to Have With You During the Zombie Apocalypse, An Attempt at Self-Preservation

The title is definitely something of a lie, but I do have a lot of good qualities, qualities that will be useful in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

1. I have done a lot of planning and research. I know what to do, and know what I will do. I think I am in the top ten percent of zombie researchers. You will probably laugh at me, like everyone else did when I talked about how I had been researching squid for three years (which I have), but I am serious. I know a lot about zombies. I have made countless, necessarily flawed (I am human, after all) plans about what to do in case of zombies. I also have plans for robots, octopods/giant squid, and flash floods. I plan things out a lot. Actually, that too: I am really good at making plans.

2. I am actually really good at solving problems creatively with minimal resources. My mother contests this. I pointed out that just because I am good at something, doesn't mean that I actually do that thing all the time. But, really, I am very good at this. I solve all sorts of problems very creatively in my head, and all they need is a bit of mechanical tweaking in order to work (which I can also handle, I am pretty sure). So, there is that.

3. I am a fast reader, and remember a lot of things. This probably sounds like a weird thing to list, but imagine we came across a medical textbook. Two hours with that, I now know a whole bunch of stuff, and will for the foreseeable future. Somewhat relatedly, I would also be good to have around when we start to rebuild civilization.

4. I am really very lazy. This may sound like a weird qualification, especially since I think I included it on my list of faults, but hear me out. Imagine, if you will, that you have already decided that I will be a member of your group of survivors, and an opportunity comes across for me to betray you. If it were one of the many times where I was being a rational human being, I would consider simply how much work surviving on my own would be, and how much work being accepted into another group would be. So, my laziness could be a source of intense loyalty, though also of course a source of being too lazy to help out. But, I guess, just threaten to kick me out, or remind me of how much work being on my own would be.

5. I am very selfish. Again, this probably sounds weird, but it means that I really would like to stay alive. I have given a lot of thought to it, and I think I would be entirely capable of beating someone to death if my life depended on it. This may sound like a weird thing to say (similar to asking someone how long you should wait before eating them in the event of being stranded), but I know there are some people who would be stopped by the fact that zombies once used to be human. I am very attached to life. Also, if I thought my action would get me kicked out of the group (which would basically be death), I would be very wary of crossing anyone in the group.

6. I am good at telling people what to do. I take charge of most situations I am in, if I see that no one else has, and very few people question my right to do so. I do this all of the time, sometimes much to the annoyance of whomever was nominally in charge. This might not be a real selling point, if you already have an intrepid leader, but I assure you, if your leader is adequate, I wouldn't take over their job, because I am not a usurper, just a power-vacuum-filler. And I am good at it. And the orders I would give would actually make sense, not be stupid, selfish things. So if I had to be your leader, you wouldn't die, I promise.

7. I basically hate everyone, so the zombie apocalypse is like a dream come true. As is, my boundless rage and hatred of all other human persons is impotent, and channeled into snarky remarks and general social avoidance. However, when I am allowed to attack humanoid creatures, and they will most likely be people I once knew, or had seen in passing (because I doubt I would manage to go far), and therefore in theory hate (the way in which I hate others is very complicated and tricky to explain and the last time I explained it I was tricked so I don't want to explain it to you guys in case you trick me, so maybe I will do that later if I can figure out how to not get tricked), I could be a very valuable fighter. I also would be unlikely to distract you from zombie survival missions by trying to become your friend or lover because your existence would probably, through no fault of your own (most likely, but you might have something wrong with you), repulse me. So I would have a one-track mind, and that track would be zombies and how to kill them.

8. I am clever, and also funny. I could be comic relief! And also make fun of people from other groups (or other people in the same group), and we could bond over how fun it is to make fun of people. It's always good to remember stuff like that in stressful situations, especially situations where you might die because your sister is now undead and trying to eat you and you are displaying human weakness by trusting an obviously zombified sibling. In situations like those, it's good to remember that there are a lot of ways to call someone's intelligence into question, because at least you can die laughing.

As you now can see, I am a much more valuable resource in the event of apocalypse than my list of faults may suggest, and I hope that you neither refuse to let me join your survivor group, complete with custom jackets, nor shoot me to put me out of my (probable future) misery at being supposedly incapable of handling an apocalypse or post-apocalypse.
Also, I have almost exhausted my ability to write about zombies, so you don't get a million more posts about zombies, but some about something else I haven't thought of yet. Maybe books, like I promised, or something historical. I'll probably talk about Lord Byron, because he is my favorite.