As implicitly promised, I will do a post concerning my current inability to deal with a zombie apocalypse. Actually, two posts, or more. Thinking about it, I realized that there was a lot more standing between me and zombie-killing excellence than I originally believed. So this first post will be "things that are wrong with my zombie preparedness plan", and the second one will be "things that are wrong with me (as related to my flawed plan, and also to any post-apocalyptic world)". After those, there may be a need for more parts, such as "more things wrong with my plan", "more things wrong with me", "things that are wrong with other people", "more things wrong with other people" or "things that are wrong with zombies". Who knows. This is a landscape full of possibility.
Things that are wrong with my zombie preparedness plan:
1. I have planned on one specific, scientifically-impossible zombie type. I think most people are guilty of this. It is entirely understandable, because they are really the only zombies that are easy to plan for, and can imagine yourself fighting. I am referring, of course, to the "slow" zombie, à la Romero et al (check that out, two foreign language phrases). This is a zombie that is, well, slow, and therefore one that can be taken out from a distance, or can be prepared for with even the slightest bit of notice. Living in a largely flat area, I have a ready-made plan for this type of zombie. However, I have failed to seriously consider the "fast" zombie (28 Days Later, et al). This is a zombie created by some weird ebola-type virus, or really any kind of virus it doesn't matter, all you know is that they are undead, blood-thirsty, and FAST. And, I don't remember, but possibly smarter than regular zombies too. They are also more plausible because of SCIENCE and they do not rely on magic like regular zombies. It has been a while since I have seen Resident Evil, but I think they might be an exception (i.e. virusy slow zombies). Whatever. Point is, if there are any zombies besides the slow ones, my plan is almost entirely useless.
2. My plan relies heavily on the gun safe by our kitchen. This is not entirely a bad idea, because there are a lot of guns in there, with... sufficient ammo, I think, I don't really know. However, I do not know the combination to the safe, and it seems really inefficient to run across the house to my parents' room to find out the combination, then run back to open it up. Especially since I KNOW that they will not take me as seriously as they really should. Their disbelief in the very real zombies currently eating all brains ever is going to kill me and it is going to be all their fault. I bet they will feel really bad for the last few minutes of their life. My last words will be "I TOLD you. What now?!"
3. I have planned on zombies from one (admittedly most likely) direction. This direction is south. This is not unreasonable, since that is the direction that the closest cemetery is in. (see also: point 1) I think my plan for waking up is the knowledge that my sister's room is south of my room. And therefore, she will be screaming, and wake me up. Sacrifice to preserve the greater number, and all that. If zombies come from any other direction, especially west (my parents' room) or north (my room!), I have no idea what I would do. I can guarantee that if what wakes me up is zombies hammering on my window, I will not get out of bed, and will sit there crying until I die of brain loss. Or, unlikely, I will run very fast until I have a gun and then BANG. But more on that tomorrow.
4. I have very few weapons or possible weapons in my room. The only real options available to me are mêlée weapons, which are terribly impractical for fighting the undead (especially if it is a virus, see point 1, again). Even then, I think I have maybe two books heavy enough to be properly considered weapons, and... I can't think of anything beyond that. I might be able to hit them with a chair, the end table, or my typewriter or something (as if I would break my typewriter like that). But. These are all difficult to get, and rely on upper body strength that I am not sure I would have in a crisis (more on this tomorrow); I am entirely unsure of the effects of adrenaline on me personally. This is a dangerous thing to not know.
5. I have not planned the step between "fending off the initial onslaught of rural zombies" and "getting to a place with sufficient food to survive long enough to solve the problem". My family does not have enough supplies to survive in our house for any length of time--I think. I am really not at all sure, because I really don't know how much food and water is needed per length of time (I know http://lds.org has a calculator that will work out food storage amounts, but those are just numbers to me, and totally incomprehensible). We very well might be able to live in our house for years, sniping the various rural zombies. Maybe not. I have also not really planned on where to go. We live half an hour from civilization in all directions, so we have some options. It seems silly to go into a town, where I guarantee everyone will have been far less calm than I have (and I am not terribly calm), only to have to fix the mess everyone else has made. Maybe we could visit some crazy mountain man--there HAVE to be some crazy mountain men nearby.
6. My family does not own a car capable of (easily) driving over corpses. This is a matter of basic transport. Especially considering how far we may or may not have to travel, our minivan and weird little... sedan? look all the more ridiculous and impractical. I really think we ought to consider purchasing a Jeep or similar car with 4-wheel capabilities. Except not a Jeep, because those are open and that is just asking for zombie death. But still, something that would have no problem going over any terrain: snow, rocky, street, broken street (because, panic, you know), corpse, mud, etc. But I doubt my parents will find this an adequate reason to get a new car--how little they know!
7. I am (hopefully) leaving in about 8 months to go to university, and my plan will be basically useless. My plan, like basically everyone else's, is based largely around where I am currently living. When I move, I will have to redo my entire plan, based on dorm position, transportation capabilities, capable classmates, natural defenses of the campus, easily defensible buildings--the list goes on and on. Hopefully I am roomed with someone who shares my totally justified fear and who will help me create a new plan. Otherwise, I have a very busy first semester ahead of me.
8. I do not have a zombie-killing soundtrack. This may seem very trivial, but I assure you, having the right songs to give you a fighting rhythm, calm your tense nerves, or provide motivation in the face of almost insurmountable odds is a very necessary thing indeed. This is, of course, the easiest of all of my problems to fix (except I don't have an mp3 player that works, or the wherewithal to pirate the songs I need--as if Internet crime will matter after ZOMBIES.)
Those are all I can think of right now, but they are all very serious problems. Tomorrow I will present part two: problems with me.
1.We must prepare a new plan for the fast zombies (which are so not cool). I suggest we have at least one machine gun in the house.
ReplyDelete2.This one will be simple. Just watch dad as he opens the safe to get the combo. Or, tell dad of this fear and get him to write it down in a locked box to which he, or mother, carries the key.
3.I am this sister. I am aware that if Zombies come from the south, I am screwed.
4.You could aquire a bow and arrow (or bat?) to tide you over until you open the safe or until we go to Megan's house because Cory has guns laying all over the place.
5.We do not have said amount of food. We have enough to last a week maybe two, if we don't mind eating rice and fake meat from a can.
6.We could also go to Megan's house for this. Cory's car will do the trick, if you don't mind the smell of booze and/or weed.
7.Leave a plan for us and then be ready to take notes on the campus the first day. Just to be safe. :)
8.This is very easy to fix. Whatever you do, DO NOT FORGET EYE OF THE TIGER! You must face the challenge of your rivals.
In any case, you will probably be ready after assessing these problems.