I am Woefully Underprepared for the Zombie Apocalypse, Part Two

As promised (not implicitly), here is the second part of my zombie apocalypse considerations.

Things that are wrong with me (that make me unfit for my plan, and for a post-apocalyptic world at all):

1. I have asthma. I also don't have an inhaler. I use Benadryl, instead, which doesn't work in quite the same way. But anyway, this means that, although I actually enjoy running, I am largely unable to run for any length of time without my breathing-parts constricting. So, that is unpleasant, and also the number one thing for a reason. I think running, especially running with weight, would be a very necessary skill during the zombie apocalypse.

2. I am not a reliable person. A few days ago, I was falling asleep and heard some noises like something was trying to get into our trash cans. It was late, so everyone else was already asleep. My brain all of a sudden, in its perfectly logical conclusion voice, said "Hey. Maybe that's a raccoon. I bet that's a raccoon. There is definitely a raccoon in your house." So I got out of bed, walked out into the hallway, looked into our kitchen, then realized I had no desire to deal with a raccoon and went back to bed under the logic that if it was a raccoon, other people could deal with it. Now imagine the raccoon (which was not real) was a zombie (which could be very real). All of my family would be dead by now.

3. I have never been in a situation that has enabled me to discover the effects of adrenaline on my strength and thinking capabilities. I think the closest might be the time I went rock-climbing, and my arms turned to noodles. Then again, another adrenaline-filled time, I ran very fast for some distance. So that might be a toss-up. I just think the level of uncertainty present in my assessment of my own abilities is not a selling point. (Possible selling points in a later post, probably, because I think I do have some things to offer during this crisis.)

4. I am reliant on other people for my existence now. I do not drive, I do not have enough money to live on my own, I can barely cook food. I am really good at making coffee and following basic instructions, though, which has to count for something. But honestly, there have been times where I have forgotten, I mean genuinely forgotten, to eat for several days. I really am not as self-sufficient as I like to think I am. This is why I need to become someone who has something to offer to a group if I want to even begin thinking about surviving this particular apocalypse.

5. I am scared by horror movies, even dumb ones. I did not sleep for two days after watching The Grudge. That movie was, by any objective standard, absolutely awful, and should not have scared anyone. It scared me, terribly. If I am that scared by imaginary threats, I cannot even begin to fathom how scared I would be by the thought that the only thing keeping me safe from thousands upon thousands of brain-hungry monsters is about two feet of plywood and the capabilities of whoever is on guard that night. Then again, unlike weird Japanese ghosts or demons or haunted ventriloquy dummies (The Grudge, Paranormal Activity, Dead Silence, incidentally), zombies are something that I can totally dominate with a gun, or spiked bat, or crowbar, or basically anything. They are dumb, and corporeal; they can be fought against.

6. I have never shot a gun. This is not technically true, because I think I shot a gun when I was six. That does not count, though. I have had no real practice shooting a gun, or loading one, or cleaning one, or even carrying one. These are all of at least some importance in an apocalypse where survival is so dependent on head-shots (at least the first three). I do know how to hold a gun, so I am not entirely useless. I like to think that a lot more time at a shooting range should be... tolerable preparation. I can't offer myself as someone of any real shooting importance, but I won't be that squealy, useless girl. I loathe her.

7. I do not know what is required to survive for any period of time in the wilderness. I would have no idea what to pack. I imagine: shelter of some form, something to help retain heat, water purification tablets, first aid (gauze, rubbing alcohol, medical tape, splints), and... beyond that I honestly have no idea. Fire stuff? What do you need for fire? I seriously am lost here. I hate how reliant I am. It's because I have steadfastly hated camping all of my life. I never thought it would be useful to know this kind of thing...

8. I have a drug dependency (read: caffeine). While this is definitely not as serious as, say, a heroin addiction, it still is a bit of a hurdle. I will have a killer headache for about two, two and a half days. But, I would say this is one of the more minor problems, especially considering that I have a killer headache pretty much all of the time (much to my annoyance. I don't even have a super-power to compensate for it!)

9. Quantities confuse me. This is bad when dealing with, say, rations, ammunition, other supplies, and anything ever. I can deal with things when they are strictly numbers, and when they are strictly physical items. When I have to deal with numbers that correspond to physical items (but they aren't physical items directly in front of me) I get, well, really confused. It also doesn't help that with something like ammunition, I would have to take into account specialties as well--someone good at shooting gets an as-yet undetermined amount more, whereas someone next to useless with a gun gets some amount less, and the proverbial squealy girl gets none, ever. That is too much applied math for me, honestly.

10. I am frequently illogical. Read the raccoon story in 2 again. Nothing that I did made sense. How would a raccoon have gotten into my house? I don't know, all I know is I want to go to sleep. What would lead me to believe I could best a raccoon, with my bare hands? Absolutely no experience to date should give me that impression. I like to think I would be a little more logical when there was more at stake, but I honestly cannot guarantee that with any surety. (see 3)

11. I am one minor illness or two nights of sleep deprivation away from being entirely useless. This I know from basic experience. I also know that the stress of paper-writing, where nothing really depends on my functioning but my future college choice, is enough, combined with a lack of sleep, to cause me to panic and, occasionally, break down. I cannot imagine what the stress of zombies would do to me. I wonder if I could mask my total lack of self-control if I had to. Probably not, but maybe. I have no idea how to test this idea, either.

12. I am extremely selfish. If you remember my zombie plan from yesterday, you will recall that part of it relies on my sister screaming for help as zombies eat her brains. This is my sister I am talking about, but I am perfectly willing (on paper) to sacrifice her and use her as an alarm clock telling me it is go time. I cannot say that I would not, at the first opportunity, sell everyone else out if it got me even the slightest edge, if I am willing to sacrifice my sister so readily. I am a horrible, horrible person. A bit ironic (or extremely fitting) that I would require a group in order to survive, but am incapable of functioning within a group with any shred of humanity.

13. I am also very lazy. I do not know to what lengths I am willing to go to to stay alive (because it has never come up), and when I will say "this is too hard, I give up." While this is... tolerable when one is alone, it is not a good trait to have in a group. My laziness also means that I probably will not go through a lot of preparation to protect myself in the event of the zombie apocalypse. I might not even get up at the sound of the go time alarm clock (that feels a lot less horrible to type than "at the sound of my sister dying painfully") and just die then and there--knowing that I am my family's best chance of survival, because I have been PLANNING (flawed though my plan may be). See? Doubly horrible.

I think I should also make a list of ways in which I am SO READY for the zombie apocalypse and would be an excellent addition to any team of zombie-killers. Because I do have some traits that are very useful. I will also, in all likelihood, make a list of what is wrong with absolutely everyone else, because I am a misanthrope.